The Lost Weekend

It’s been a while since I typed anything onto these pages. I spent a part of yesterday re-reading chunks of my own diary, and the writing seemed foreign somehow. The jokes funny again because I had forgotten that I wrote them. It’s been far too long.

In case you’re curious (I say to all the un-people that read this), the thing is still very much hanging over me. But now I think I can talk about it, if only to have something to talk about. The long sabbatical from my writing, and my developments and my projects and my fuggin life, is directly related to my lack of employment. A widely known fact in that being an indie game designer, especially one that gives stuff away for free or for the almost free that XBLIG offers, isn’t a way to become famous, or rich for that matter. In fact, it turns out it’s almost impossible to feed one’s self from the meager proceeds. So this thing that I adore so much, simply cannot love me back because it lacks the means to.
That means that I need to be employed for any of this to work. I need to devote 8 hours every day to somebody else’s projects and somebody else’s dreams, so that I can have the possibility of devoting 2 hours to my own.
What I begin to wonder about though, is if that very drive makes it difficult to continue. I wonder if a manager looks at all of this and simply assumes that is what I would do, given the chance. The honest truth of it is that, yes, I would. But I can’t. The very fact of which depresses me, but being depressed about it doesn’t make it any less of a fact.
I’ll put it another way, like in a story that a friend of mine told me. He went to school and has a Master’s Degree in Molecular Biology (which is quite difficult to say after the 3rd pint of Guinness) and finds that he is un-hirable. Any non-biology job that he applies for is turned down almost immediately. The reason is that, since he spent so much time and effort on being a Molecular Biologist, then clearly he is simply going to leave when an opportunity shows up. My design and programming and all of this are the same. The assumption is that I will leave when given the option to, in spite of the fact that I really just want a good place to be so that I can be my own patron.
It’s maddening.
So when I go out to apply and do interviews and talk with people, in the back of my mind I’m always thinking, “I not just applying for this, but also to once again be the Lead Designer at Star Frog Games.” Forget 401K or dental, that’s the best benefit that I could ever want.

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